May had Come

Now is time for me to say

Here this day of sunny May

When winter's harsh and gloomy scene

Makes an exit to enter spring.

Now wedding bells and children's cries 

May be heard with greatful sighs 

For Spring has come at last

Though gone it may be fast.

What glorious times are there to be had

When sun shines bright and faces glad

For what once was dark now is light

And for a time shall stay in sight.

By: Me

Spring has sprung finally here in Denmark, and though it is still chilly out, the sun shines and birds sing, the trees are finally starting to bloom, life is good. And with springs comes an idea of new beginnings, a fresh start. I know it's typical to set new year's resolutions and start them in January, but in the spring life seems to jump start and gives a whole new perspective. Here's to May! The Month of new beginnings and sunnier times!

"Me, Myself, and I"

In this post I'm going to attempt to theorize my own psyche to try and figure out why it might that I am still single. It's going to read maybe a little crazy and possibly written in the third person, but bare with me.

I guess to figure this out, I should probably start from the beginning. I was 16 the first time I had experiences. But actually is was before that. I had my first boyfriend at 13. It was over the internet so I guess that doesn't really count.  I had one other boyfriend when I was 17, he was 16. I wasn't out yet, and he was fully out, so it didn't work out because he said he couldn't go back in the closet, even for me. We are still friends. After him there wasn't really anyone till I was 20. Him and I lasted three weeks because he was going too fast for me. Even after the three weeks he was talking about moving in together and visiting his parents, etc. It scared me. After him I had my other boyfriend, whom I fell in love with. My first love. And he broke my heart. Broke up with me over a text. Hurt so much. I thought I was going to die. Then after him I had a non boyfriend, and he turned out to be a drug addict and crazy. I've had a couple others after him, but no one of note.

I'm trying to wrack my brain and figure out why I've never been able to be like other people who have been in only a few relationships that lasted a long period of time. Am I so broken that I can never be put back together? I may have low self esteem at times, but I still know and am confident in the fact that I am a great person and worthy of happiness. Maybe I'm too desperate, maybe I'm not the marriage type. I know I've said jokingly that I'm chronically single, but maybe it's true. Maybe I'm destined to be a lonesome soul standing on the sidelines as my friends and family find their companions and marry, have children and build a life. Too many times I've heard I'm a great friend, and I'm tired of  hearing this. Yes, I am a great friend, but I'm so much more! What is it about me that pushes people away? Am I so repulsive yet so desirable that I could never be a boyfriend, but good enough for a fun time?

I'm sure this is mostly my fault, I over analyze too much. I'm very patient as a general rule, but when it comes to matters of the heart I expect them to happen quick. Things just happen, and if they are right will happen in a smooth motion without stop. I'm just so tired of being alone. I've said it before that I've felt alone most of my life and I want someone to share in my life. I don't need it, but I want it. Though how often are we ever given what we desire? I know God has someone out there special for me. It's just frustrating. I see men that are interested, yet as soon as I show interest they back away and deny their feelings. Why do guys do that? Is it a societal thing. I'm not your typical A & F model, gym rat type. Is this why no one wants me? I refuse to succumb to the generalizations and requirements set to us by gay society. I want someone to love me for who I am, not just because I have a great physique or beautiful skin. Beauty is purely subjective.   

Too many times I've showed interest that wasn't returned and set aside my attraction or feelings to become friends with that person. I won't do it anymore. Even if it means ending these potential friendships, I refuse to deny my feelings or attractions that I have for someone and become their friend then watch them go with someone else. It hurts too much. Too many times I have someone tell me they are not looking to date right now only for them to tell me a short time later that they have a boyfriend. Why was I not considered when they became ready?

I'm a catch, a great person, a loyal friend, and fantastic listener, honest, responsible, and so much more. Yet why has no one been able to see this? Is there an invisible shield in front of me that doesn't allow single men to see the real me? And of course I get plenty of men who are in relationships that see how great I am, yet they are in a relationship, so how easy it is for them to say this? I refuse to be someone's second choice or their settlement. I am prime choice grade A personality and the highest quality of relationship material out there these days. Maybe I come off intimidating? Is it possible that I am too much of a person for guys? Am I too confident? Am I being vain right now? I try not to be. I know I'm not perfect. I'm so flawed and don't like everything about myself or my appearance, but I am me, and refuse to be anyone else no matter the consequence. I'd rather be alone and happy than in a relationship and unhappy because I've compromised my self worth to become in said relationship.

Then what is it I want really? I just want to be happy. And for the most part I am. I have so much already, I suppose I can't be greedy. You know what? I'm fine, I'm great! I'm alone, but that's okay. Even in I'm alone forever, that's okay. I'll be fine. It'll give me a chance of doing everything I've set myself to achieve without someone setting me back. So guys step aside. I'm going to reach my goals. Don't get in my way. I'm done pursuing. If you want me, come and get me! I'm done!

To be continued...

"The Best of Times, The Worst of Times"

When my family and I moved to California, it was one of the hardest and toughest events in my life. I had just become established in my room because my older brother had finally moved out of the house, I had a great group of friends, and life seemed good. But all was not so good and we had to move. We lost basically everything and had to move to California to live with my cousins and then later on with my grandparents.

That first year in California was the hardest. I went to La Sierra Junior Academy for my eighth grade year. It was supposed to be my seventh grade year, but when I tested, I tested to skip the seventh and continue onto the eighth grade. The kids in this school were cruel, and not very inviting of me. I made friends, but this was the only time in my life that I cried in the school bathroom, or was teased most days by these two mean girls. I did make friends with the *nerds* but these were great people. And I made friends with my teachers. This helped a lot. And of course God was with me. But I still struggled to keep my grades up, not because of the workload, but because of my depression. I soon adjusted however, and grew. I became confident in my singing abilities and found my interest in music and theater. So there was the silver lining. Or kind of a rude awakening if you will.

It was during this year that I learned to harness my feelings of sadness and loneliness into something productive. I used the isolation to study harder and get better grades. I learned to make friends with my teachers, and in turn learned how they taught and what it is they wanted from their students. This was both a good and bad thing. Mostly good for me, but in the long run, I suppose it wasn't all that good. I learned to give them what they wanted and nothing more, when I should have been giving them what they wanted and even more. Striving for those straight "A's" and a perfect 4.0, but I suppose it was also the peer pressure that caused me to be average. Though I was friends with the ones other called the nerds, I didn't consider myself one and therefore I got good grades, but not enough to be perceived as one of the truly nerdy ones. Seems silly now that I think about it, but I suppose as a teenager, those were my train of thoughts.

After that year I entered to a new school. Redlands Junior Academy, later to be called Redlands Adventist Academy. This would be the start of a great high school career and the beginning of the best friendships I'd have for a lifetime. I think God put me at this school because it would have been the only place that I could have blossomed as successfully as I did. I truly did blossom. I came into my own and became extremely involved and productive and still managed to keep my grades up. With the skills I had learned from my last year at LSA I was able to quickly learn the teaching habits of my new teachers and therefore my studying time was cut in half. I was involved in so much, even from the beginning. I was in the school bell choir, performance choir, later on I joined the concert band, the drama group, my sophomore year I was in two organized sports, and I was also involved outside of school as well. I was in another bell choir, two other choirs, I auditioned for community theater, was in a few productions, and just grew to love the arts. Music and theater were my life and I loved every minute of it. It was during my last couple of years at RAA that I realized where I was going after high school. I was going to audition for musical theater school. Which I did. I first auditioned for Julliard, the drama department, but did not pass the first round. But then I auditioned for the American Musical and Dramatic Academy and got in with a scholarship. But more about that in later postings.

Suffice to say that God truly does work in mysterious ways. How could I have known that through my hardships that something truly good would come out of it. He has been leading and I have started to learn and follow. Skeptics my disagree and of course my atheist friends would disagree, but I know what I know and no one can prove me wrong, at least not yet. I wouldn't change my experiences for the world and thank God for them, because without them I wouldn't be the man I am today.

To be continued...

Love is a many Splender!

Love is a many Splendid thing! 

What does it really mean to love someone? The media will tell you one thing, society will tell you another, but truthfully where is it that you really learn to love? My belief has been as of late, that the place you learn to love is at the home. How you learn to love other people, places, or things is largely influenced by your family and the way you were taught to express this love. Which might explain why some people love easier than others. However, the definition of love can be skewed by your environment. Whether that environment involves only your family, or largely the television and social media, or experiences, such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. As human beings we have free will and therefore always have a choice. We can choose to allow ourselves to be shaped by these experiences and people, or we can choose to use them as guides of what to and not do. Religion has a place in this, because in the Bible we see expressions of love and definitions that some deem unfathomable. Other religions have a policy of free love and respect for all living things, including people. In the end however, it stands to the individual to discover what love means to them.

This has been my struggle throughout my life. I love and I love big. For me to use the word love means a lot to me. It means I would die for you. It means I would trade places with you in your suffering just so I don't have to see you suffer. If I express my love for you it is a love that is endless. I do categorize my love. My love for my God, differs from that of my immediate family, and that for the rest of my family and friends, and of course once I were to find my soulmate, that love would differ as well. Now I wish to explain these definitions. Nothing is proven, this is merely my expression and understanding of love, and unfortunately it is because of this that I have not been successful in finding my soulmate because no one else seems to love the way I do. I love my God the way it says in the Bible…One of the Golden rules. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." I am in no way perfect of being able to fully love God the way He loves me, but I do know that I love Him, and would do anything for Him, no matter the consequence. I believe one day this will be tested, and I can only pray I pass. My love for my family is so strong I would die for them and have expressed several times to them that because of this love I could not endure for any of them to die before me. Call it selfish, but I've had experience when my grandparents died. I almost could not handle their deaths, and without my family to help me, I probably would have died of a broken heart. My love is so incredible it scares me. The rest of my family I love of course, but unfortunately I can't say that I would died for all of them because a return of love has not been met. They are a part of me and of course I love them, but as my family. The love for my friends is stronger depending of the category of friend. I have my best friends, of which I contain two currently. Then I have my good friends, my friends, my party friends, and then my acquaintances. My best friends I consider as family and my love for them is equal. My good friends and friends I would lend money, help them find a job, and cook meals for them, etc… My party friends and acquaintances I can't use the word "love". I like them, and we hang out, we go out and do things together, but it takes years for me to hold those people as good friends and even more to consider them a best friend, which is why I currently only have two best friends.

Love was a word heard frequently in my family. To this day we always makes sure to say I love you before ending any phone conversation or even text messages. My mom was the one that instilled this in our family and I am eternally grateful. However, when seeing examples of love toward a spouse or "significant other," this was especially hard because in the home, my father didn't express his love very often. They of course kissed everyday, and used the words "I love you" quite often, though the expression and feeling behind it wasn't' always clear or viewed as legitimate. This has caused me to look elsewhere to see true examples of love. Now I've always been an avid movie watcher, goer, seer, and for the longest time I thought these were true expressions, though in some movies the definition of love was greatly distorted and confused with the definition of lust. When it come to intercourse, it is my firm belief that this has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with the natural carnal need for release and desire, that primal nature to mate with another being is innate. Now, love can play into intercourse, but this is only entered into as the culmination and ultimate consummation of their love and not the immediate and primary focus of the relationship. Though it is easy to say, I wish it were so easy to do. Many times we (and include myself in this) become so focused on the outward and first impression of the person's physique that we lose sight of what is truly important. I've been victim to this many a time, but luckily I can spot a hollow shell and therefore tend not to  stick around very long. 

Taking all my experiences and my home life I've come up with my own definition of love toward my partner-to-be, and this love is so strong yet so fragile that to break this bond would cause devastation to the point of catastrophe. I would never let it get to the point of tragedy, because I don't believe in taking ones life for anyone's sake much less a significant other that broke your trust and therefore broke the bonds that held your love so strong. The Greek mythology suggests that all humans in the dawn of time were all two headed beings, but the god's grew jealous of their love so Zeus struck all humans with his lightning bolt and split them in two, now we all roam the earth in ernest search for our "other half".  Of course the Bible is not quite off this subject line, because it says that a man shall leave his home and cling to his wife and they shall be "as one". Sounds like two halves of a whole to me. Attraction is important of course, I'm not going to lie, but just because I like the cover of a book never means I'll like it's contents. I would love an attractive cover that keeps me interested once I delve into it's pages. Love is a fickle creature, fragile, yet when nurtured and cared for can blossom and grow to be the strongest bond any two beings can have, a bond so strong that it can surpass a lifetime.   

There are different forms of love, but to me they are one in the same. In order to love someone or have the capacity to love, one must become selfless. You cannot love someone without loving yourself enough to put that person or persons first. Love is unconditional. Now this sort of love for me is reserved for family and your one true love. Unconditional means just this, without condition...there is nothing this person can do or say to make you stop loving them. The Greeks have categorized in five words the different kinds of love. EPITHUMIA, EROS,  STORGE,  PHILLIA, and  AGAPE.

These five words  describe the difference of this feeling. But in English we have words such as 'like', lust, love, xoxo, etc. 

In my life I have only ever loved one man in my life and this man broke my heart. Love is unexplained, you can't decide when it happens or when it won't, however, love cannot be determined in a moment, in a look, or any of these. I've never been one to believe in "Love at First Sight."But I suppose it could happen. True love to me, happens over time, it's a learned behavior that when bonded can be the most beautiful thing two people can share.  

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, love is on everyone's mind, whether it's of current love, past love, love lost, or love yet to come. To have a day once a year to commemorate this great expression is a wonderful thing, I just hope one day I'll be able to celebrate it with my one true love some time in the near future. 

To be continue...

 

Sins of the Mother!

Mother's are great! As is mine.
The relationship with my mother has been challenging to say the least. And before I continue, the reason I will have more to say about my mother than my father is because I've always been closer to my mother, and one tends to have more to say about those closest to their heart. I am no different.

I'm a very calm person, always have been. Even my mother would tell me stories that I was such a quiet child. Though some say that you have to look out for the quiet ones. And she was right. Though I am quiet and easy going, if you push my buttons the right way, I become like a dormant volcano that finally erupts. It's harsh and fierce and causes damage in it's path. I've erupted twice in my life, and unfortunately both times it was against my mother. Not to say I haven't blown up since then, but they have never been as fierce as these two times.

I love my mother with all my heart, however there are aspects of her that I do not like. First, she is never wrong (In her mind). Second, she loves to yell, Third, she manipulates with out meaning to, Fourth, she is very incredibly judgmental, And lastly, very self-centered. Let me give examples.

I remember one time she asked me to bake cookies for her to take to this ladies luncheon to show off to her friends at church. I was 16/17 at the time, I hadn't gone to culinary school yet. To make a long story short, I got up early, had my little sister help me and we baked all day. When my mother got back from wherever she was, she was not happy with my baking skills. She blew up at me and said something to the fact that she couldn't take these because she would be embarrassed in front of her friends, etc. Instead of thanking me and appreciating my effort, she was ungrateful and only worried about how she would look in front of her friends. Not half an hour later after our altercation, she tripped on the steps as she was leaving and broke her pinky toe...When I heard her scream in pain I went to see what happened, and after I saw, I simply turned back around and went back to my room without bothering to help her up. This is how angry I was with her. I don't regret my decision, but I did feel bad for her and made her a feel better card. I forgave her, but as I've said before, I never forget.  The whole point I'm trying to make is that to this day she feels she was in the right. No joke...

I think this example actually encompasses all the attributes that I dislike about my mother. Therefore, I won't bother you with any others, but I do have them.

There are several things I love about my mother, at the time I learned them, I didn't appreciate it, but now I do. By the time I was 12 years old I knew how to cook, clean a house, bake (somewhat), sew, knit, and crochet. I could wash my own clothes, and iron them as well. For this I'm eternally grateful to my mother. It has made me so independent and a better person. Though she has had her moments, I know as I have always known that my mother never stopped loving me. In our family we always expressed our love for each-other everyday and now every time we talk on the phone. This my mother always insisted and am grateful.

My mother has also been an inspiration to me. She has had so many different jobs since I can remember, and she never gave up until she met her goal of finally becoming a registered nurse. It was a long and arduous journey, but she persevered and I commend her for that and hold her in the highest esteem for this was no small matter. 

As in any relationship between two people, especially a mother and son, we have had our ups and downs, but with God's help and guidance we have maintained a steady and healthy relationship that continues to this day. I will always love my mother and though I may not always agree with the way she acts or is, I will never stop loving her. God could NOT have sent me a better mother to guide in His ways and teach me the essentials to survive this sinful world. As I said in the last paragraph of my blog about my father, I wish here the same. That when I have children, I will not repeat the sins of my mother! But I do hope to teach them what she has taught me, and so much more.

To be continued...

Sins of My Father

In a recent Comment from my mother, she accused me of being "kind" to my father. Therefore, in this next installment I will be telling my story of my relationship with my father, leaving nothing out that I recall. Then the following will be about my mother. So here we go.

I love my dad, as I love both my parents, but as no one is perfect, my parents were no different.
Now I've seen on television where the father's and sons do stuff together like fishing and going to baseball games, being involved in sports, etc... This was not the kind of relationship I had with my father. Partly because I was not that interested in sports, but also because my father wasn't around. He was always busy working, making money. We still had family worship and family time, but I didn't have much of a personal relationship with my father. It wasn't until it came out that I was gay that my dad tried to "toughen" me up, make me more of a man. He wasn't always kind to my mother either. He never struck me as the romantic type. He did things for their anniversary, or other special events, and he would try to get us kids involved, but though they showed affections, I never thought as their relationship as loving or romantic. I had seen parents of my friends and how they interacted with each other and this was never the sort of relationship my parents shared. They fought a lot, yelled, etc... It was never physical, that I know of, but again I could sense it wasn't normal. It was a struggle for both of them the entire 30 years they were together...

I have good memories with him. I'll never forget the time my dad surprised me at school to have lunch with me. Also the talks we had discussing the bible on our way to church different times while in the car together. Or when he taught me to ride my bike or taught me to drive a car. Things very precious to my heart. He always encouraged me and supported me in my career choices and when I wanted to move to New York, etc. I appreciated his advice as well.

But I'll also never forget how he would hit me on the top of my head when I forgot to do one of my chores; he would use his whole fist and bang it really hard on the top center part of my head. To this day I'm convinced that I have a permanent indentation on my head from those beatings. I also will not forget the chancla, or rubber slipper my dad used to spank us when we were bad. I also didn't appreciate the endless lectures he would give in terms of money and responsibility.  Or the way he told me that if I had a bf or husband that he never wanted to meet him or know him. That he wouldn't come to my wedding or participate in my life. This above all, hurt the most.

It was since that moment that the relationship I shared with my father went downhill. It was never to be the same. When I moved to New York and since then, my father only called or talked with me about money or loans or paying this or buying that. He never apologized, and never took interest in my social life again. He has made some bad decision since then as well. Getting married one month after the divorce to my mother was finalized, not showing up to my little sister's graduation. Separating himself from the rest of us to be with his new wife.

As I've stated before, I still love him and there is nothing I can do to change the fact that He is my father, and I couldn't have asked God for a better one. Though there were times I did ask, but never received.

Both my parents tried their best with what they had to give. I can only thank God for the way I turned out, for I'm sure if it weren't for Him, I would not be here today. Though there were not many horrors in my life as others have endured, I had some pretty rough times and personal struggles that were not helped by neither my father nor my mother, but God was always there, and I thank Him for staying with me through it all.

I try not to regret or despair, or judge or be pessimistic, and it's because of my parents and my experiences and above all God that I continue to be optimistic, all-accepting, positive, and fortunate. All I can say now is that I pray when I become a father that I will not repeat the sins of My father. 

To be continued...

My Life, My Experience

Life in New Mexico was great!

Loved my life there. I started school late because my mother wanted us all home schooled, however when it came down to actually teaching, she had her shortcomings. It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't the best either. I had friends, though few because they were limited to church and the neighborhood. She did her best, but in the grand scheme of things, in the end, I didn't know how to read very well. I had to start from the first grade at the age of eight. This was both a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing was the I was two years older than everyone else, so they mostly looked up to me, the bad thing was that I felt kinda dumb because I didn't know how to read very well. I felt that the other kids were making fun of me. But in the end it wasn't this way.

By the time I finished the first grade I realized that I was learning rather quickly and got really good grades. I kept a 4.0 GPA for the entire first and second years of school. However, my third year I was transferred to a different school in a different area of town closer to my home and therefore had to adjust. This caused a period of time where my grades faltered a little. This had something to do with my home life as well, but I was able to separate the two and maintain my composure at school and anywhere else outside of my home.

I've always felt that school came easily to me and I believe this is due in part to the fact that I started school at a later age. Being older I was able to concentrate more and comprehend what was happening because my brain functions were more developed. My grades never faltered more than an A/B GPA, all the way through grade school and high school.

As I've said before, I was an an exemplary student and son. But because school was so easy I never exceeded to excel more than what I could get away with. I could have had straight A's if I wanted, but I was never motivated by anyone else to exceed, therefore I did what was needed to pass and get good enough grades and nothing more.

I had great friends, some I still keep in contact with today. My friends Jason, Nadia, and Denise are three people that I've known the longest from school. It's been almost 20 years since the first time I met them in the first grade. Because of this we share so many memories and good times. It's been years since I've seen any of them, but I keep tabs on them through Facebook.

I had two favorite teachers in grade school. Mrs. Osborne and Mrs Krueger, I also like Mrs. Springfield from California. These teachers excelled in their teaching methods and I will never forget them. Their influences in my life have helped shape the man I am today. Not to say other people did not have a had in this. But a teachers influence on a child is very powerful. You may only see this person for one year, but you see them everyday, for longer periods of time than your parents or siblings, it's understandable that these people help you grow and learn to become better citizens.

I was blessed enough to have parents that believed in private education. The Seventh-day Adventist church may have many faults, but one thing that I've always appreciated was the schooling system and the availability of several locations all over the nation. Though they may not be recognized by the rest of the civil world, these teachers employed by SDA schools are some of the best teachers in the world. I have no doubt of this. And I hold this true to all grade school through University level educators. I would like to take this time to name just a few of the educators that I hold in high esteem and thank them for their service as educators and mentors to us all and generations to come.

Mrs. Osborne
Mrs. Krueger
Mrs. Springfield
Mr. Sarly
Ms. Nelson
Mrs. Dudley
Ms. Macey
Mr. Walters
Dr. Dennis
Mr. Haloviak
Mrs. Kim
Ms. Price
Ms. Pennington
Mr. Chadwick
Ms. Benedict
Ms. Boner
And anyone else I might have missed.
I hold you all in great esteem and am so grateful to God that I experienced you in my life. Thank you from the depths of my heart! :-)