In this post I'm going to attempt to theorize my own psyche to try and figure out why it might that I am still single. It's going to read maybe a little crazy and possibly written in the third person, but bare with me.
I guess to figure this out, I should probably start from the beginning. I was 16 the first time I had experiences. But actually is was before that. I had my first boyfriend at 13. It was over the internet so I guess that doesn't really count. I had one other boyfriend when I was 17, he was 16. I wasn't out yet, and he was fully out, so it didn't work out because he said he couldn't go back in the closet, even for me. We are still friends. After him there wasn't really anyone till I was 20. Him and I lasted three weeks because he was going too fast for me. Even after the three weeks he was talking about moving in together and visiting his parents, etc. It scared me. After him I had my other boyfriend, whom I fell in love with. My first love. And he broke my heart. Broke up with me over a text. Hurt so much. I thought I was going to die. Then after him I had a non boyfriend, and he turned out to be a drug addict and crazy. I've had a couple others after him, but no one of note.
I'm trying to wrack my brain and figure out why I've never been able to be like other people who have been in only a few relationships that lasted a long period of time. Am I so broken that I can never be put back together? I may have low self esteem at times, but I still know and am confident in the fact that I am a great person and worthy of happiness. Maybe I'm too desperate, maybe I'm not the marriage type. I know I've said jokingly that I'm chronically single, but maybe it's true. Maybe I'm destined to be a lonesome soul standing on the sidelines as my friends and family find their companions and marry, have children and build a life. Too many times I've heard I'm a great friend, and I'm tired of hearing this. Yes, I am a great friend, but I'm so much more! What is it about me that pushes people away? Am I so repulsive yet so desirable that I could never be a boyfriend, but good enough for a fun time?
I'm sure this is mostly my fault, I over analyze too much. I'm very patient as a general rule, but when it comes to matters of the heart I expect them to happen quick. Things just happen, and if they are right will happen in a smooth motion without stop. I'm just so tired of being alone. I've said it before that I've felt alone most of my life and I want someone to share in my life. I don't need it, but I want it. Though how often are we ever given what we desire? I know God has someone out there special for me. It's just frustrating. I see men that are interested, yet as soon as I show interest they back away and deny their feelings. Why do guys do that? Is it a societal thing. I'm not your typical A & F model, gym rat type. Is this why no one wants me? I refuse to succumb to the generalizations and requirements set to us by gay society. I want someone to love me for who I am, not just because I have a great physique or beautiful skin. Beauty is purely subjective.
Too many times I've showed interest that wasn't returned and set aside my attraction or feelings to become friends with that person. I won't do it anymore. Even if it means ending these potential friendships, I refuse to deny my feelings or attractions that I have for someone and become their friend then watch them go with someone else. It hurts too much. Too many times I have someone tell me they are not looking to date right now only for them to tell me a short time later that they have a boyfriend. Why was I not considered when they became ready?
I'm a catch, a great person, a loyal friend, and fantastic listener, honest, responsible, and so much more. Yet why has no one been able to see this? Is there an invisible shield in front of me that doesn't allow single men to see the real me? And of course I get plenty of men who are in relationships that see how great I am, yet they are in a relationship, so how easy it is for them to say this? I refuse to be someone's second choice or their settlement. I am prime choice grade A personality and the highest quality of relationship material out there these days. Maybe I come off intimidating? Is it possible that I am too much of a person for guys? Am I too confident? Am I being vain right now? I try not to be. I know I'm not perfect. I'm so flawed and don't like everything about myself or my appearance, but I am me, and refuse to be anyone else no matter the consequence. I'd rather be alone and happy than in a relationship and unhappy because I've compromised my self worth to become in said relationship.
Then what is it I want really? I just want to be happy. And for the most part I am. I have so much already, I suppose I can't be greedy. You know what? I'm fine, I'm great! I'm alone, but that's okay. Even in I'm alone forever, that's okay. I'll be fine. It'll give me a chance of doing everything I've set myself to achieve without someone setting me back. So guys step aside. I'm going to reach my goals. Don't get in my way. I'm done pursuing. If you want me, come and get me! I'm done!
To be continued...
Monday, March 18, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
"The Best of Times, The Worst of Times"
When my family and I moved to California, it was one of the hardest and toughest events in my life. I had just become established in my room because my older brother had finally moved out of the house, I had a great group of friends, and life seemed good. But all was not so good and we had to move. We lost basically everything and had to move to California to live with my cousins and then later on with my grandparents.
That first year in California was the hardest. I went to La Sierra Junior Academy for my eighth grade year. It was supposed to be my seventh grade year, but when I tested, I tested to skip the seventh and continue onto the eighth grade. The kids in this school were cruel, and not very inviting of me. I made friends, but this was the only time in my life that I cried in the school bathroom, or was teased most days by these two mean girls. I did make friends with the *nerds* but these were great people. And I made friends with my teachers. This helped a lot. And of course God was with me. But I still struggled to keep my grades up, not because of the workload, but because of my depression. I soon adjusted however, and grew. I became confident in my singing abilities and found my interest in music and theater. So there was the silver lining. Or kind of a rude awakening if you will.
It was during this year that I learned to harness my feelings of sadness and loneliness into something productive. I used the isolation to study harder and get better grades. I learned to make friends with my teachers, and in turn learned how they taught and what it is they wanted from their students. This was both a good and bad thing. Mostly good for me, but in the long run, I suppose it wasn't all that good. I learned to give them what they wanted and nothing more, when I should have been giving them what they wanted and even more. Striving for those straight "A's" and a perfect 4.0, but I suppose it was also the peer pressure that caused me to be average. Though I was friends with the ones other called the nerds, I didn't consider myself one and therefore I got good grades, but not enough to be perceived as one of the truly nerdy ones. Seems silly now that I think about it, but I suppose as a teenager, those were my train of thoughts.
After that year I entered to a new school. Redlands Junior Academy, later to be called Redlands Adventist Academy. This would be the start of a great high school career and the beginning of the best friendships I'd have for a lifetime. I think God put me at this school because it would have been the only place that I could have blossomed as successfully as I did. I truly did blossom. I came into my own and became extremely involved and productive and still managed to keep my grades up. With the skills I had learned from my last year at LSA I was able to quickly learn the teaching habits of my new teachers and therefore my studying time was cut in half. I was involved in so much, even from the beginning. I was in the school bell choir, performance choir, later on I joined the concert band, the drama group, my sophomore year I was in two organized sports, and I was also involved outside of school as well. I was in another bell choir, two other choirs, I auditioned for community theater, was in a few productions, and just grew to love the arts. Music and theater were my life and I loved every minute of it. It was during my last couple of years at RAA that I realized where I was going after high school. I was going to audition for musical theater school. Which I did. I first auditioned for Julliard, the drama department, but did not pass the first round. But then I auditioned for the American Musical and Dramatic Academy and got in with a scholarship. But more about that in later postings.
Suffice to say that God truly does work in mysterious ways. How could I have known that through my hardships that something truly good would come out of it. He has been leading and I have started to learn and follow. Skeptics my disagree and of course my atheist friends would disagree, but I know what I know and no one can prove me wrong, at least not yet. I wouldn't change my experiences for the world and thank God for them, because without them I wouldn't be the man I am today.
To be continued...
That first year in California was the hardest. I went to La Sierra Junior Academy for my eighth grade year. It was supposed to be my seventh grade year, but when I tested, I tested to skip the seventh and continue onto the eighth grade. The kids in this school were cruel, and not very inviting of me. I made friends, but this was the only time in my life that I cried in the school bathroom, or was teased most days by these two mean girls. I did make friends with the *nerds* but these were great people. And I made friends with my teachers. This helped a lot. And of course God was with me. But I still struggled to keep my grades up, not because of the workload, but because of my depression. I soon adjusted however, and grew. I became confident in my singing abilities and found my interest in music and theater. So there was the silver lining. Or kind of a rude awakening if you will.
It was during this year that I learned to harness my feelings of sadness and loneliness into something productive. I used the isolation to study harder and get better grades. I learned to make friends with my teachers, and in turn learned how they taught and what it is they wanted from their students. This was both a good and bad thing. Mostly good for me, but in the long run, I suppose it wasn't all that good. I learned to give them what they wanted and nothing more, when I should have been giving them what they wanted and even more. Striving for those straight "A's" and a perfect 4.0, but I suppose it was also the peer pressure that caused me to be average. Though I was friends with the ones other called the nerds, I didn't consider myself one and therefore I got good grades, but not enough to be perceived as one of the truly nerdy ones. Seems silly now that I think about it, but I suppose as a teenager, those were my train of thoughts.
After that year I entered to a new school. Redlands Junior Academy, later to be called Redlands Adventist Academy. This would be the start of a great high school career and the beginning of the best friendships I'd have for a lifetime. I think God put me at this school because it would have been the only place that I could have blossomed as successfully as I did. I truly did blossom. I came into my own and became extremely involved and productive and still managed to keep my grades up. With the skills I had learned from my last year at LSA I was able to quickly learn the teaching habits of my new teachers and therefore my studying time was cut in half. I was involved in so much, even from the beginning. I was in the school bell choir, performance choir, later on I joined the concert band, the drama group, my sophomore year I was in two organized sports, and I was also involved outside of school as well. I was in another bell choir, two other choirs, I auditioned for community theater, was in a few productions, and just grew to love the arts. Music and theater were my life and I loved every minute of it. It was during my last couple of years at RAA that I realized where I was going after high school. I was going to audition for musical theater school. Which I did. I first auditioned for Julliard, the drama department, but did not pass the first round. But then I auditioned for the American Musical and Dramatic Academy and got in with a scholarship. But more about that in later postings.
Suffice to say that God truly does work in mysterious ways. How could I have known that through my hardships that something truly good would come out of it. He has been leading and I have started to learn and follow. Skeptics my disagree and of course my atheist friends would disagree, but I know what I know and no one can prove me wrong, at least not yet. I wouldn't change my experiences for the world and thank God for them, because without them I wouldn't be the man I am today.
To be continued...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)