Mother's are great! As is mine.
The relationship with my mother has been challenging to say the least. And before I continue, the reason I will have more to say about my mother than my father is because I've always been closer to my mother, and one tends to have more to say about those closest to their heart. I am no different.
I'm a very calm person, always have been. Even my mother would tell me stories that I was such a quiet child. Though some say that you have to look out for the quiet ones. And she was right. Though I am quiet and easy going, if you push my buttons the right way, I become like a dormant volcano that finally erupts. It's harsh and fierce and causes damage in it's path. I've erupted twice in my life, and unfortunately both times it was against my mother. Not to say I haven't blown up since then, but they have never been as fierce as these two times.
I love my mother with all my heart, however there are aspects of her that I do not like. First, she is never wrong (In her mind). Second, she loves to yell, Third, she manipulates with out meaning to, Fourth, she is very incredibly judgmental, And lastly, very self-centered. Let me give examples.
I remember one time she asked me to bake cookies for her to take to this ladies luncheon to show off to her friends at church. I was 16/17 at the time, I hadn't gone to culinary school yet. To make a long story short, I got up early, had my little sister help me and we baked all day. When my mother got back from wherever she was, she was not happy with my baking skills. She blew up at me and said something to the fact that she couldn't take these because she would be embarrassed in front of her friends, etc. Instead of thanking me and appreciating my effort, she was ungrateful and only worried about how she would look in front of her friends. Not half an hour later after our altercation, she tripped on the steps as she was leaving and broke her pinky toe...When I heard her scream in pain I went to see what happened, and after I saw, I simply turned back around and went back to my room without bothering to help her up. This is how angry I was with her. I don't regret my decision, but I did feel bad for her and made her a feel better card. I forgave her, but as I've said before, I never forget. The whole point I'm trying to make is that to this day she feels she was in the right. No joke...
I think this example actually encompasses all the attributes that I dislike about my mother. Therefore, I won't bother you with any others, but I do have them.
There are several things I love about my mother, at the time I learned them, I didn't appreciate it, but now I do. By the time I was 12 years old I knew how to cook, clean a house, bake (somewhat), sew, knit, and crochet. I could wash my own clothes, and iron them as well. For this I'm eternally grateful to my mother. It has made me so independent and a better person. Though she has had her moments, I know as I have always known that my mother never stopped loving me. In our family we always expressed our love for each-other everyday and now every time we talk on the phone. This my mother always insisted and am grateful.
My mother has also been an inspiration to me. She has had so many different jobs since I can remember, and she never gave up until she met her goal of finally becoming a registered nurse. It was a long and arduous journey, but she persevered and I commend her for that and hold her in the highest esteem for this was no small matter.
As in any relationship between two people, especially a mother and son, we have had our ups and downs, but with God's help and guidance we have maintained a steady and healthy relationship that continues to this day. I will always love my mother and though I may not always agree with the way she acts or is, I will never stop loving her. God could NOT have sent me a better mother to guide in His ways and teach me the essentials to survive this sinful world. As I said in the last paragraph of my blog about my father, I wish here the same. That when I have children, I will not repeat the sins of my mother! But I do hope to teach them what she has taught me, and so much more.
To be continued...
Monday, October 15, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Sins of My Father
In a recent Comment from my mother, she accused me of being "kind" to my father. Therefore, in this next installment I will be telling my story of my relationship with my father, leaving nothing out that I recall. Then the following will be about my mother. So here we go.
I love my dad, as I love both my parents, but as no one is perfect, my parents were no different.
Now I've seen on television where the father's and sons do stuff together like fishing and going to baseball games, being involved in sports, etc... This was not the kind of relationship I had with my father. Partly because I was not that interested in sports, but also because my father wasn't around. He was always busy working, making money. We still had family worship and family time, but I didn't have much of a personal relationship with my father. It wasn't until it came out that I was gay that my dad tried to "toughen" me up, make me more of a man. He wasn't always kind to my mother either. He never struck me as the romantic type. He did things for their anniversary, or other special events, and he would try to get us kids involved, but though they showed affections, I never thought as their relationship as loving or romantic. I had seen parents of my friends and how they interacted with each other and this was never the sort of relationship my parents shared. They fought a lot, yelled, etc... It was never physical, that I know of, but again I could sense it wasn't normal. It was a struggle for both of them the entire 30 years they were together...
I have good memories with him. I'll never forget the time my dad surprised me at school to have lunch with me. Also the talks we had discussing the bible on our way to church different times while in the car together. Or when he taught me to ride my bike or taught me to drive a car. Things very precious to my heart. He always encouraged me and supported me in my career choices and when I wanted to move to New York, etc. I appreciated his advice as well.
But I'll also never forget how he would hit me on the top of my head when I forgot to do one of my chores; he would use his whole fist and bang it really hard on the top center part of my head. To this day I'm convinced that I have a permanent indentation on my head from those beatings. I also will not forget the chancla, or rubber slipper my dad used to spank us when we were bad. I also didn't appreciate the endless lectures he would give in terms of money and responsibility. Or the way he told me that if I had a bf or husband that he never wanted to meet him or know him. That he wouldn't come to my wedding or participate in my life. This above all, hurt the most.
It was since that moment that the relationship I shared with my father went downhill. It was never to be the same. When I moved to New York and since then, my father only called or talked with me about money or loans or paying this or buying that. He never apologized, and never took interest in my social life again. He has made some bad decision since then as well. Getting married one month after the divorce to my mother was finalized, not showing up to my little sister's graduation. Separating himself from the rest of us to be with his new wife.
As I've stated before, I still love him and there is nothing I can do to change the fact that He is my father, and I couldn't have asked God for a better one. Though there were times I did ask, but never received.
Both my parents tried their best with what they had to give. I can only thank God for the way I turned out, for I'm sure if it weren't for Him, I would not be here today. Though there were not many horrors in my life as others have endured, I had some pretty rough times and personal struggles that were not helped by neither my father nor my mother, but God was always there, and I thank Him for staying with me through it all.
I try not to regret or despair, or judge or be pessimistic, and it's because of my parents and my experiences and above all God that I continue to be optimistic, all-accepting, positive, and fortunate. All I can say now is that I pray when I become a father that I will not repeat the sins of My father.
To be continued...
I love my dad, as I love both my parents, but as no one is perfect, my parents were no different.
Now I've seen on television where the father's and sons do stuff together like fishing and going to baseball games, being involved in sports, etc... This was not the kind of relationship I had with my father. Partly because I was not that interested in sports, but also because my father wasn't around. He was always busy working, making money. We still had family worship and family time, but I didn't have much of a personal relationship with my father. It wasn't until it came out that I was gay that my dad tried to "toughen" me up, make me more of a man. He wasn't always kind to my mother either. He never struck me as the romantic type. He did things for their anniversary, or other special events, and he would try to get us kids involved, but though they showed affections, I never thought as their relationship as loving or romantic. I had seen parents of my friends and how they interacted with each other and this was never the sort of relationship my parents shared. They fought a lot, yelled, etc... It was never physical, that I know of, but again I could sense it wasn't normal. It was a struggle for both of them the entire 30 years they were together...
I have good memories with him. I'll never forget the time my dad surprised me at school to have lunch with me. Also the talks we had discussing the bible on our way to church different times while in the car together. Or when he taught me to ride my bike or taught me to drive a car. Things very precious to my heart. He always encouraged me and supported me in my career choices and when I wanted to move to New York, etc. I appreciated his advice as well.
But I'll also never forget how he would hit me on the top of my head when I forgot to do one of my chores; he would use his whole fist and bang it really hard on the top center part of my head. To this day I'm convinced that I have a permanent indentation on my head from those beatings. I also will not forget the chancla, or rubber slipper my dad used to spank us when we were bad. I also didn't appreciate the endless lectures he would give in terms of money and responsibility. Or the way he told me that if I had a bf or husband that he never wanted to meet him or know him. That he wouldn't come to my wedding or participate in my life. This above all, hurt the most.
It was since that moment that the relationship I shared with my father went downhill. It was never to be the same. When I moved to New York and since then, my father only called or talked with me about money or loans or paying this or buying that. He never apologized, and never took interest in my social life again. He has made some bad decision since then as well. Getting married one month after the divorce to my mother was finalized, not showing up to my little sister's graduation. Separating himself from the rest of us to be with his new wife.
As I've stated before, I still love him and there is nothing I can do to change the fact that He is my father, and I couldn't have asked God for a better one. Though there were times I did ask, but never received.
Both my parents tried their best with what they had to give. I can only thank God for the way I turned out, for I'm sure if it weren't for Him, I would not be here today. Though there were not many horrors in my life as others have endured, I had some pretty rough times and personal struggles that were not helped by neither my father nor my mother, but God was always there, and I thank Him for staying with me through it all.
I try not to regret or despair, or judge or be pessimistic, and it's because of my parents and my experiences and above all God that I continue to be optimistic, all-accepting, positive, and fortunate. All I can say now is that I pray when I become a father that I will not repeat the sins of My father.
To be continued...
Thursday, October 4, 2012
My Life, My Experience
Life in New Mexico was great!
Loved my life there. I started school late because my mother wanted us all home schooled, however when it came down to actually teaching, she had her shortcomings. It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't the best either. I had friends, though few because they were limited to church and the neighborhood. She did her best, but in the grand scheme of things, in the end, I didn't know how to read very well. I had to start from the first grade at the age of eight. This was both a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing was the I was two years older than everyone else, so they mostly looked up to me, the bad thing was that I felt kinda dumb because I didn't know how to read very well. I felt that the other kids were making fun of me. But in the end it wasn't this way.
By the time I finished the first grade I realized that I was learning rather quickly and got really good grades. I kept a 4.0 GPA for the entire first and second years of school. However, my third year I was transferred to a different school in a different area of town closer to my home and therefore had to adjust. This caused a period of time where my grades faltered a little. This had something to do with my home life as well, but I was able to separate the two and maintain my composure at school and anywhere else outside of my home.
I've always felt that school came easily to me and I believe this is due in part to the fact that I started school at a later age. Being older I was able to concentrate more and comprehend what was happening because my brain functions were more developed. My grades never faltered more than an A/B GPA, all the way through grade school and high school.
As I've said before, I was an an exemplary student and son. But because school was so easy I never exceeded to excel more than what I could get away with. I could have had straight A's if I wanted, but I was never motivated by anyone else to exceed, therefore I did what was needed to pass and get good enough grades and nothing more.
I had great friends, some I still keep in contact with today. My friends Jason, Nadia, and Denise are three people that I've known the longest from school. It's been almost 20 years since the first time I met them in the first grade. Because of this we share so many memories and good times. It's been years since I've seen any of them, but I keep tabs on them through Facebook.
I had two favorite teachers in grade school. Mrs. Osborne and Mrs Krueger, I also like Mrs. Springfield from California. These teachers excelled in their teaching methods and I will never forget them. Their influences in my life have helped shape the man I am today. Not to say other people did not have a had in this. But a teachers influence on a child is very powerful. You may only see this person for one year, but you see them everyday, for longer periods of time than your parents or siblings, it's understandable that these people help you grow and learn to become better citizens.
I was blessed enough to have parents that believed in private education. The Seventh-day Adventist church may have many faults, but one thing that I've always appreciated was the schooling system and the availability of several locations all over the nation. Though they may not be recognized by the rest of the civil world, these teachers employed by SDA schools are some of the best teachers in the world. I have no doubt of this. And I hold this true to all grade school through University level educators. I would like to take this time to name just a few of the educators that I hold in high esteem and thank them for their service as educators and mentors to us all and generations to come.
Mrs. Osborne
Mrs. Krueger
Mrs. Springfield
Mr. Sarly
Ms. Nelson
Mrs. Dudley
Ms. Macey
Mr. Walters
Dr. Dennis
Mr. Haloviak
Mrs. Kim
Ms. Price
Ms. Pennington
Mr. Chadwick
Ms. Benedict
Ms. Boner
And anyone else I might have missed.
I hold you all in great esteem and am so grateful to God that I experienced you in my life. Thank you from the depths of my heart! :-)
Loved my life there. I started school late because my mother wanted us all home schooled, however when it came down to actually teaching, she had her shortcomings. It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't the best either. I had friends, though few because they were limited to church and the neighborhood. She did her best, but in the grand scheme of things, in the end, I didn't know how to read very well. I had to start from the first grade at the age of eight. This was both a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing was the I was two years older than everyone else, so they mostly looked up to me, the bad thing was that I felt kinda dumb because I didn't know how to read very well. I felt that the other kids were making fun of me. But in the end it wasn't this way.
By the time I finished the first grade I realized that I was learning rather quickly and got really good grades. I kept a 4.0 GPA for the entire first and second years of school. However, my third year I was transferred to a different school in a different area of town closer to my home and therefore had to adjust. This caused a period of time where my grades faltered a little. This had something to do with my home life as well, but I was able to separate the two and maintain my composure at school and anywhere else outside of my home.
I've always felt that school came easily to me and I believe this is due in part to the fact that I started school at a later age. Being older I was able to concentrate more and comprehend what was happening because my brain functions were more developed. My grades never faltered more than an A/B GPA, all the way through grade school and high school.
As I've said before, I was an an exemplary student and son. But because school was so easy I never exceeded to excel more than what I could get away with. I could have had straight A's if I wanted, but I was never motivated by anyone else to exceed, therefore I did what was needed to pass and get good enough grades and nothing more.
I had great friends, some I still keep in contact with today. My friends Jason, Nadia, and Denise are three people that I've known the longest from school. It's been almost 20 years since the first time I met them in the first grade. Because of this we share so many memories and good times. It's been years since I've seen any of them, but I keep tabs on them through Facebook.
I had two favorite teachers in grade school. Mrs. Osborne and Mrs Krueger, I also like Mrs. Springfield from California. These teachers excelled in their teaching methods and I will never forget them. Their influences in my life have helped shape the man I am today. Not to say other people did not have a had in this. But a teachers influence on a child is very powerful. You may only see this person for one year, but you see them everyday, for longer periods of time than your parents or siblings, it's understandable that these people help you grow and learn to become better citizens.
I was blessed enough to have parents that believed in private education. The Seventh-day Adventist church may have many faults, but one thing that I've always appreciated was the schooling system and the availability of several locations all over the nation. Though they may not be recognized by the rest of the civil world, these teachers employed by SDA schools are some of the best teachers in the world. I have no doubt of this. And I hold this true to all grade school through University level educators. I would like to take this time to name just a few of the educators that I hold in high esteem and thank them for their service as educators and mentors to us all and generations to come.
Mrs. Osborne
Mrs. Krueger
Mrs. Springfield
Mr. Sarly
Ms. Nelson
Mrs. Dudley
Ms. Macey
Mr. Walters
Dr. Dennis
Mr. Haloviak
Mrs. Kim
Ms. Price
Ms. Pennington
Mr. Chadwick
Ms. Benedict
Ms. Boner
And anyone else I might have missed.
I hold you all in great esteem and am so grateful to God that I experienced you in my life. Thank you from the depths of my heart! :-)
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Commitment; Believe in it, Or Not?
Why is it that in today's society, people are unable to commit?
I've been gay a very long time, duh, my whole life. And with all my experiences, I've come to the realization that it is especially difficult for men to be committed to anything or anyone for that matter. Obviously I don't mean the entire population of men, there are always exceptions to any rule, but the fact of the matter is that men innately have a difficulty to commit to any one person or thing. Or at least, this is how I see it. I personally don't have this problem, or work against it, but it's something I've seen happen with a lot of men I've encountered. It could also be argued that I simply am interacting with the wrong men. This is highly likely as well. But in any case, I lately have been seeing this in women as well.
I believe it is society in general that is having this affect on the population. In the media you see it everywhere. No need to commit to a telephone service, can be billed month to month, no need to buy a home, just rent month to month, no need to buy a car, just lease it for a year and then exchange it for a new one. No need to hang on to your old car, just turn it in for a profit and use the money towards a new car. Every year you can upgrade to a new telephone or computer, or television. Ever 5 years they are coming out with new Plasma, HDTV's, now 3D TV's. I think I've made my point. With all these noncommittal items and offers, it seems people have used this same idea in their personal lives. The divorce rate has sky rocketed just within the last 10 years. Not to mention since the 50's or 60's. Some people have divorced more times than the amount of children they've bared. It's ridiculous! This is even worse in the gay community. Or least this has been the stigma put on us. That we don't commit, that we are flakes, etc. To some extent it is true, but like I said before there are exceptions to every rule.
This is my belief in commitment. To be able and have the capacity to commit, one must have the willingness and ability to think of others more than themselves. If two people are constantly thinking of the other person's feels and taking them into consideration, it is as if they are one person equally serving each other and working in the interest of the other. If it is ever one sided, the scale tips and falls and there in lies the separation. Let me explain.
Take two men that meet. One man is well educated, well brought up, but completely self absorbed, and thinks the world owes him a favor and that everything and everyone revolves around him. If something happens to you, his response is always pertaining to himself. The other guy is also well educated, well brought up, wealthy, and yet has always been very generous to others and always thinking of other people before himself. Now these two people have an instant attraction to each other. However, because they are both attractive, it's completely lust. There is no foundation, no basis to stake their entire relationship. But they still date. In the commencement of their dating they slowly come to the realization that they have nothing in common. But it is the generous guy that is feeling this more than the other. The generous guy is always pleasing his partner and taking care of his needs and wants, but when the tables are turned and the generous guy feels the need for some care and consideration, the self absorbed guy doesn't understand why he is doing this to him. He thinks they are happy the way things are going...this continues for a time, maybe a few months or a few years, but the outcome is always the same. They separate. Or in some cases, one or both of them will cheat because in some ways, their needs are not entirely being met.
Now don't get me wrong, communication is key, and so are morals and the initial attraction, however a long lasting relationship has to be based on way more than physicality or attraction and lust. These things fade over time and it is said that they have 'fallen out of love' with one another. This was never love to begin with, anyone who says differently is kidding themselves. It is lust through and through. True love is unyielding, unconditional, unwavering, ever present, it's patient, kind, and everlasting. When you fall in love with someone, a symbolic piece of your heart if given to this person and can never be taken back. If this love is one sided, the person who 'breaks' your heart still holds that piece, and always will. It is like a wound that heals. The blood given out with this wound can never be put back in your body. It will always be outside your body, the wound heals and you feel better after a time, but you will never get that blood back. This is also true with your symbolic 'heart' that was given to the one you love. Does not mean you do not have the capacity to love again. But you will never be able to give anyone your entire heart, for a piece will always be missing.
Commitment is tough. No one said that anything worth having is easy to come by. Usually the things most worth having and keeping are the hardest to obtain and maintain. However, in the end, they are the ones and things that will last a lifetime.
I'm not perfect, no one is. But I put this to all those that read this blog of mine. Put others first. You are not that import. No one is. By putting others before yourself, you allow for more opportunities and experiences that might not have been obtained if not for your willingness to put others first. This does not mean you become a doormat. That is too extreme. It's a simple as this, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you love yourself so much, then treat others like you would treat yourself. Simple. Seriously. :-)
To be continued...
Josh
I've been gay a very long time, duh, my whole life. And with all my experiences, I've come to the realization that it is especially difficult for men to be committed to anything or anyone for that matter. Obviously I don't mean the entire population of men, there are always exceptions to any rule, but the fact of the matter is that men innately have a difficulty to commit to any one person or thing. Or at least, this is how I see it. I personally don't have this problem, or work against it, but it's something I've seen happen with a lot of men I've encountered. It could also be argued that I simply am interacting with the wrong men. This is highly likely as well. But in any case, I lately have been seeing this in women as well.
I believe it is society in general that is having this affect on the population. In the media you see it everywhere. No need to commit to a telephone service, can be billed month to month, no need to buy a home, just rent month to month, no need to buy a car, just lease it for a year and then exchange it for a new one. No need to hang on to your old car, just turn it in for a profit and use the money towards a new car. Every year you can upgrade to a new telephone or computer, or television. Ever 5 years they are coming out with new Plasma, HDTV's, now 3D TV's. I think I've made my point. With all these noncommittal items and offers, it seems people have used this same idea in their personal lives. The divorce rate has sky rocketed just within the last 10 years. Not to mention since the 50's or 60's. Some people have divorced more times than the amount of children they've bared. It's ridiculous! This is even worse in the gay community. Or least this has been the stigma put on us. That we don't commit, that we are flakes, etc. To some extent it is true, but like I said before there are exceptions to every rule.
This is my belief in commitment. To be able and have the capacity to commit, one must have the willingness and ability to think of others more than themselves. If two people are constantly thinking of the other person's feels and taking them into consideration, it is as if they are one person equally serving each other and working in the interest of the other. If it is ever one sided, the scale tips and falls and there in lies the separation. Let me explain.
Take two men that meet. One man is well educated, well brought up, but completely self absorbed, and thinks the world owes him a favor and that everything and everyone revolves around him. If something happens to you, his response is always pertaining to himself. The other guy is also well educated, well brought up, wealthy, and yet has always been very generous to others and always thinking of other people before himself. Now these two people have an instant attraction to each other. However, because they are both attractive, it's completely lust. There is no foundation, no basis to stake their entire relationship. But they still date. In the commencement of their dating they slowly come to the realization that they have nothing in common. But it is the generous guy that is feeling this more than the other. The generous guy is always pleasing his partner and taking care of his needs and wants, but when the tables are turned and the generous guy feels the need for some care and consideration, the self absorbed guy doesn't understand why he is doing this to him. He thinks they are happy the way things are going...this continues for a time, maybe a few months or a few years, but the outcome is always the same. They separate. Or in some cases, one or both of them will cheat because in some ways, their needs are not entirely being met.
Now don't get me wrong, communication is key, and so are morals and the initial attraction, however a long lasting relationship has to be based on way more than physicality or attraction and lust. These things fade over time and it is said that they have 'fallen out of love' with one another. This was never love to begin with, anyone who says differently is kidding themselves. It is lust through and through. True love is unyielding, unconditional, unwavering, ever present, it's patient, kind, and everlasting. When you fall in love with someone, a symbolic piece of your heart if given to this person and can never be taken back. If this love is one sided, the person who 'breaks' your heart still holds that piece, and always will. It is like a wound that heals. The blood given out with this wound can never be put back in your body. It will always be outside your body, the wound heals and you feel better after a time, but you will never get that blood back. This is also true with your symbolic 'heart' that was given to the one you love. Does not mean you do not have the capacity to love again. But you will never be able to give anyone your entire heart, for a piece will always be missing.
Commitment is tough. No one said that anything worth having is easy to come by. Usually the things most worth having and keeping are the hardest to obtain and maintain. However, in the end, they are the ones and things that will last a lifetime.
I'm not perfect, no one is. But I put this to all those that read this blog of mine. Put others first. You are not that import. No one is. By putting others before yourself, you allow for more opportunities and experiences that might not have been obtained if not for your willingness to put others first. This does not mean you become a doormat. That is too extreme. It's a simple as this, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you love yourself so much, then treat others like you would treat yourself. Simple. Seriously. :-)
To be continued...
Josh
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Being Me, Being Gay!
The most common question asked when one is learning about ones homosexuality...When did you first know you were gay?
My first memory of being attracted to the same sex was when I was 8 years old and found my older brother's stash of porn magazines. I can't remember which ones they were, but I do remember them depicting very graphic pictorials of couples engaging in mutual sexual gratification. I remember being attracted more to the men than the women in these magazines. If there were magazines of only women, which my brother had a couple of as well, I didn't care for them. I'd go through them, but I remember thinking how nice their makeup was or how bad it was, lol I kid you not! This was also around the time I learned to masturbate. And after learning, you can imagine I did it often. As often as I could without being found out. And I was always good at being secretive.
Being so young, I of coursed struggled with this seemingly unnatural attraction toward the same sex. Men have always attracted me. Men of all sorts. Not just the model types, but muscle hairy men, muscle smooth men, skinny guys, even overweight guys. I'm eclectic in my preferences. I seem to be this way in all aspects of my life. I don't play favorites with anything or anyone.
Because of my religious background that I've told you about in my last posting, I've always struggle with my sexuality because I didn't want to go against God as they told me I was doing by living this sort of life. I didn't ask to be this way, nor would I wish it upon anyone else. Whoever said being gay was easy should be taken out back and put out of his misery. Being gay is not easy in any way shape or form, but as the slogan has gone as of late *It gets Better.* May not start out good, but in today's society, homosexuals are finally being treated as human beings and not as second class citizens or abominations.
When I was growing up homosexuality was hardly mentioned. And when it was, both my parents were firmly against it. I was forced out when I was 13 years old. This is a mere one year after I first realized what being gay was considered. I knew I was attracted to men, but I didn't know what it was called or that I was this kind of person till I reached 12 years old, or as some have called it, 'the age of understanding'. This was definitely true for me. I came to fully understand what I was and what I was going to be. I started planning what I wanted my life to be life and how I was going to have a family and children, a house, a good job, etc... All this at my young age. Boy was I naive.
When i say forced out, I mean that my mother found the history of porn on the family computer and confronted me about my 'tendencies' as she called them. When my father got home from work, they confronted me together to ask about these 'tendencies'. It was all downhill after that. Endless lectures and readings from the bible. I was given a book to read, which I never read, a movie to watch, which I never watched. Later on, when they confronted me again, I told them I was bisexual to get them off my back, but more than that, even still, I wanted to believe I could be bisexual. Or sexually attracted to the opposite sex. But to no avail. I prayed, I read from the bible, I pleaded with God to change me, to make me into the rightful person He wanted me to be. But it never went away, I never felt an attraction to women.
I appreciate the beauty of women, and the gracefulness, but I never felt a sexual attraction to them. Always loved the clothes as well.
When I was 19 or 20 years old I was 'outed' for being completely gay by my cousin. This was by way of Myspace when it was big. She became one of my friends on there and upon seeing my very homosexual page, expressed her 'concern' to her father, who is my father's brother. They lived up in Oregon. About this time, my parents when up there for a family wedding, and by way of my uncle, learned of my full blown homosexuality. Upon their return, they once again confronted me about what they learned.
It was a painful and tearful discussion. But in the end, we agreed to disagree. I told them that is was now too late. Let me make you understand, that even after I was forced out at 13, they figured they had nipped this in the bud and since I was such a good child, which I was, they had three other children that required more attention due to their own issues. My brother was the black sheep, my older sister and my mom always had issues with each other, and my little sister was the baby. I was so good at taking care of myself, that by default I was neglected. My parents cared of course, and I was given some attention. But I was hardly asked about my grades, because I was always a good student, I never was in trouble at school, and my teachers had nothing but good to say about me. This continued throughout my life, and after a while my parents lost interest and left me to my own devices. This was both good and bad. The good was that it taught me to be an independent person, the bad was the I felt neglected. Not in love, but in attention. It was not until I became interesting again, by my homosexuality that my parents decided to try and be a part of my life again. I was having none of that.
I told them in no uncertain terms that they were not allowed to influence my life any longer. They were not allowed to be a part of my personal life because they had lost this chance when I was younger. They treated my homosexuality as a passing fancy to be taken lightly and given to God to change in me. But being homosexual was not my choice, I didn't ask to be this way no could I change any more than a leopard can change his spots or a zebra can change his stripes. At the very least I am a human being, with human feelings for the same sex and should be treated with this respect. My parents were not allowed to ask about my social life and I in turn would not ask about theirs. We could talk about the weather, school, work, etc...But all else was off limits.
And so it was till my mother came forward and asked for forgiveness and an understanding to give her a second chance. And I did. My father is another story.
To be continued...
Specially thanks to my Mother for your comments. Love you so much. God could not have sent me a better mother. We all are human with our faults, but nothing can change the fact that you are my mother or that I will love you for all times. :-)
My first memory of being attracted to the same sex was when I was 8 years old and found my older brother's stash of porn magazines. I can't remember which ones they were, but I do remember them depicting very graphic pictorials of couples engaging in mutual sexual gratification. I remember being attracted more to the men than the women in these magazines. If there were magazines of only women, which my brother had a couple of as well, I didn't care for them. I'd go through them, but I remember thinking how nice their makeup was or how bad it was, lol I kid you not! This was also around the time I learned to masturbate. And after learning, you can imagine I did it often. As often as I could without being found out. And I was always good at being secretive.
Being so young, I of coursed struggled with this seemingly unnatural attraction toward the same sex. Men have always attracted me. Men of all sorts. Not just the model types, but muscle hairy men, muscle smooth men, skinny guys, even overweight guys. I'm eclectic in my preferences. I seem to be this way in all aspects of my life. I don't play favorites with anything or anyone.
Because of my religious background that I've told you about in my last posting, I've always struggle with my sexuality because I didn't want to go against God as they told me I was doing by living this sort of life. I didn't ask to be this way, nor would I wish it upon anyone else. Whoever said being gay was easy should be taken out back and put out of his misery. Being gay is not easy in any way shape or form, but as the slogan has gone as of late *It gets Better.* May not start out good, but in today's society, homosexuals are finally being treated as human beings and not as second class citizens or abominations.
When I was growing up homosexuality was hardly mentioned. And when it was, both my parents were firmly against it. I was forced out when I was 13 years old. This is a mere one year after I first realized what being gay was considered. I knew I was attracted to men, but I didn't know what it was called or that I was this kind of person till I reached 12 years old, or as some have called it, 'the age of understanding'. This was definitely true for me. I came to fully understand what I was and what I was going to be. I started planning what I wanted my life to be life and how I was going to have a family and children, a house, a good job, etc... All this at my young age. Boy was I naive.
When i say forced out, I mean that my mother found the history of porn on the family computer and confronted me about my 'tendencies' as she called them. When my father got home from work, they confronted me together to ask about these 'tendencies'. It was all downhill after that. Endless lectures and readings from the bible. I was given a book to read, which I never read, a movie to watch, which I never watched. Later on, when they confronted me again, I told them I was bisexual to get them off my back, but more than that, even still, I wanted to believe I could be bisexual. Or sexually attracted to the opposite sex. But to no avail. I prayed, I read from the bible, I pleaded with God to change me, to make me into the rightful person He wanted me to be. But it never went away, I never felt an attraction to women.
I appreciate the beauty of women, and the gracefulness, but I never felt a sexual attraction to them. Always loved the clothes as well.
When I was 19 or 20 years old I was 'outed' for being completely gay by my cousin. This was by way of Myspace when it was big. She became one of my friends on there and upon seeing my very homosexual page, expressed her 'concern' to her father, who is my father's brother. They lived up in Oregon. About this time, my parents when up there for a family wedding, and by way of my uncle, learned of my full blown homosexuality. Upon their return, they once again confronted me about what they learned.
It was a painful and tearful discussion. But in the end, we agreed to disagree. I told them that is was now too late. Let me make you understand, that even after I was forced out at 13, they figured they had nipped this in the bud and since I was such a good child, which I was, they had three other children that required more attention due to their own issues. My brother was the black sheep, my older sister and my mom always had issues with each other, and my little sister was the baby. I was so good at taking care of myself, that by default I was neglected. My parents cared of course, and I was given some attention. But I was hardly asked about my grades, because I was always a good student, I never was in trouble at school, and my teachers had nothing but good to say about me. This continued throughout my life, and after a while my parents lost interest and left me to my own devices. This was both good and bad. The good was that it taught me to be an independent person, the bad was the I felt neglected. Not in love, but in attention. It was not until I became interesting again, by my homosexuality that my parents decided to try and be a part of my life again. I was having none of that.
I told them in no uncertain terms that they were not allowed to influence my life any longer. They were not allowed to be a part of my personal life because they had lost this chance when I was younger. They treated my homosexuality as a passing fancy to be taken lightly and given to God to change in me. But being homosexual was not my choice, I didn't ask to be this way no could I change any more than a leopard can change his spots or a zebra can change his stripes. At the very least I am a human being, with human feelings for the same sex and should be treated with this respect. My parents were not allowed to ask about my social life and I in turn would not ask about theirs. We could talk about the weather, school, work, etc...But all else was off limits.
And so it was till my mother came forward and asked for forgiveness and an understanding to give her a second chance. And I did. My father is another story.
To be continued...
Specially thanks to my Mother for your comments. Love you so much. God could not have sent me a better mother. We all are human with our faults, but nothing can change the fact that you are my mother or that I will love you for all times. :-)
Monday, September 17, 2012
My Religion, My Belief
How many of you have grown up in a religious home?
My guess is many of you. Growing up in our household in my earlier years was difficult, at least for me. I'm empathic. From a very young age, I could sense and feel other people's pain and suffering. It would cause me to do the very same. If they were feeling sad and I was in their presence, I would get that feeling as well. If they were crying, I'd start crying as well; I think you get the picture. This was especially true when it came to my family, namely my mother. Whenever she was sad, which seemed to be a lot of the time, I would be sad, when she cried, I cried. The first time I remember this happening was when I was three years old and we got the call from the hospital that my grandmother had died. She had breast cancer. My mother sat down on the piano bench in the living room and started to cry. I remember having this overwhelming sense of sadness and started to cry along with my mother. This, of course, was not limited to my family. Like I stated before, if I were in your presence and you had intense feelings, I felt them along with you.
Growing up with this, I learned to control my feelings more and more, and to this day, I can't cry unless I myself am in great sadness. I suppose there was a wall built over the years that caused me to separate my own feelings from those of others. I still empathize, but I will not cry or get down as I used to.
My parents fought a lot. During the time between the ages of 8 and 13, my parents fought, or had a heated 'discussion' what seemed like daily. And some weeks it was daily. I can't remember exactly what each argument was about, but I do remember crying myself to sleep on several occasions.
Now, at this point I have to say that I'm going to get religious on you, so if you do not wish to read this part, please skip over this part and move on to the rest of the page.
On one of these night, I was specially sad and had cried myself to sleep. I know it was around January or February because I still had my mini Christmas tree with red lights lit on my desk at the foot of my bed. It was this night that I woke up suddenly and saw something that will stay with me for all time. Only a few people have heard my account.
I woke up, as stated, and at the foot of my bed, just to the right of it was a figure. It was like a pillar of light. Was not blinding, but definitely piercing, as around it, the lights and darkness stayed the same. I could tell that it was not only just a pillar of light, but a figure. Yes, as you are probably guessing, I, to this day, believe it was my guardian angel. No one can convince me that it was not. I was not on any drugs or hallucinating, this was real; was not a dream either. When I saw this figure, I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. I can't describe it any differently than this calmness that I have never since felt in my entire life. After what must have been only a couple minutes or moments, I simply went back to sleep and had the best rest of my life. Since then I've never had much trouble sleeping.
Now religion has always been a huge part of my life. My family, ever Friday night would get together for worship. This happened most nights during the week as well. We'd read from the bible and discuss our opinions on the particular subject. I remember these times as being some of the best moments of my life. My parents had their faults as most do, but I could not have asked for better. Though sometimes I did asked God why I was born into this family. Now, as an adult, I'm beginning to understand. There are experiences in my life, both good and bad, that would not have happened and could have directly affected the lives of several different people had I not been born into this particular family. Though the bad were all made by my own choice. I believe our choices shape the course of our lives in both positive and negative ways. Usually, the bad are choices made without the aide of God to help guide us in the right direction.
I believe those who were never brought up into a Godly family are still guided in good ways by God because of his undying love for all of us. Those who are supposedly 'ungodly' can still live Godly lives as long as their morals follow the guidelines. Like it says in the Bible 'Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and the second is like unto it, Love thy neighbor as you would love thyself.' Can't get more simple than that. The third passage that sums it up is this, and even if you are not religious have heard this passage. 'For God so loved the world, he gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, shall not parish, but have eternal life.' All the rest before or after do not begin to some up the message of the bible better than this.
People have a human inclination to make simple things and explanations more complicated than they really are. Why do you think He wrote 'come to Me as a child'. Children follow their parents with faith that they will lead them in the right direction and protect them...this of course is not always the case because we live in a corrupt world, but this was God's idea for humanity. Children are innocent as we are to be when we first start to learn about the character of Christ. We have to think simply and try not over analyze the meaning behind every text or take it literally.
My belief is that the Bible was never meant to be taken literally. It was meant to be a guide for living. A book with examples of lives and situations that show us what to do and what not to do. It was also meant to show us what to expect in the future, but was not meant for over analysis or interpretation. That's why in the bible, the people of God were given Prophets, because the human condition clouded their minds and made it hard to understand God's plan for them. Time and again humanity let God down. And because He loved us so much, he just kept on trying, kept on changing His strategy.
Now people are going to hate me here, specially the bible thumpers. God makes mistakes! Yes, I said it. It is my belief, that God, even in his purity and godliness, makes mistakes. Him, like us, is given the choice, He is given the ultimate choices that shape the lives of every human, creature, and living thing in this entire world, not to mention the universe. I believe it is because of His love for this world that He has allowed Himself to make choices that He normally would not because of his Undying, unwavering love for humanity. We were made in His image, in His Likeness, We ate from the tree of 'Knowledge of Good and Evil'. We are as God, in so many ways, the only difference is we have the capacity to do wrong. God does not. But to make mistakes does not mean to do wrong. His mistakes are not as our mistakes. First mistake, was to allow Lucifer to live...No one seems to realize that God could have wiped out Lucifer and all the fallen Angels, with one word they would have existed no longer. But he allowed them to be thrown out of Heaven. This was done out of His love for His angels. Nothing more can explain it. His second mistake was to allow Adam and Eve to continue living after eating from the forbidden tree. He could have erased them from the Garden and created a new and improved Adam and from him, another Eve. But no, out of love, He allowed them to live...yes with consequence, but they lived. Therefore we lived. Third mistake, Choosing a single people to be his 'Chosen Ones'. These people, the Jews were meant to be the survivors, the people that were to replace the third of the Angels that had fallen with Lucifer. But though He loved them, they failed Him. Throughout history it's been the same, though God has loved us, and watched over us and tried to help guide us, we have continue to fail Him, not only because of the presence of Sin in our lives, but because of our capacity to choose. This power of Choice is what allows us to go against God's plans for us.
I believe it is not until we give up this 'Choice' and truly give our self over to God that we can become pure and be like Him. This of course is the hardest decision to make. I myself struggle with this. I trust God with all my heart, but I cannot deny that I've made choices in my life, many in fact, that have not been Godly or even moral.
In closing. We are the human condition, it is we who get in our way. If we would just give ourselves over to Him and surrender completely, life would not be simpler, but easier to handle for we would know that though others may persecute, punish, ridicule, admonish, or scorn, God is always on our side and is ALWAYS Good to those who love Him.
To be continued. A Special thanks to Jake for your comment. Always appreciated. Thank you! :-)
My guess is many of you. Growing up in our household in my earlier years was difficult, at least for me. I'm empathic. From a very young age, I could sense and feel other people's pain and suffering. It would cause me to do the very same. If they were feeling sad and I was in their presence, I would get that feeling as well. If they were crying, I'd start crying as well; I think you get the picture. This was especially true when it came to my family, namely my mother. Whenever she was sad, which seemed to be a lot of the time, I would be sad, when she cried, I cried. The first time I remember this happening was when I was three years old and we got the call from the hospital that my grandmother had died. She had breast cancer. My mother sat down on the piano bench in the living room and started to cry. I remember having this overwhelming sense of sadness and started to cry along with my mother. This, of course, was not limited to my family. Like I stated before, if I were in your presence and you had intense feelings, I felt them along with you.
Growing up with this, I learned to control my feelings more and more, and to this day, I can't cry unless I myself am in great sadness. I suppose there was a wall built over the years that caused me to separate my own feelings from those of others. I still empathize, but I will not cry or get down as I used to.
My parents fought a lot. During the time between the ages of 8 and 13, my parents fought, or had a heated 'discussion' what seemed like daily. And some weeks it was daily. I can't remember exactly what each argument was about, but I do remember crying myself to sleep on several occasions.
Now, at this point I have to say that I'm going to get religious on you, so if you do not wish to read this part, please skip over this part and move on to the rest of the page.
On one of these night, I was specially sad and had cried myself to sleep. I know it was around January or February because I still had my mini Christmas tree with red lights lit on my desk at the foot of my bed. It was this night that I woke up suddenly and saw something that will stay with me for all time. Only a few people have heard my account.
I woke up, as stated, and at the foot of my bed, just to the right of it was a figure. It was like a pillar of light. Was not blinding, but definitely piercing, as around it, the lights and darkness stayed the same. I could tell that it was not only just a pillar of light, but a figure. Yes, as you are probably guessing, I, to this day, believe it was my guardian angel. No one can convince me that it was not. I was not on any drugs or hallucinating, this was real; was not a dream either. When I saw this figure, I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. I can't describe it any differently than this calmness that I have never since felt in my entire life. After what must have been only a couple minutes or moments, I simply went back to sleep and had the best rest of my life. Since then I've never had much trouble sleeping.
Now religion has always been a huge part of my life. My family, ever Friday night would get together for worship. This happened most nights during the week as well. We'd read from the bible and discuss our opinions on the particular subject. I remember these times as being some of the best moments of my life. My parents had their faults as most do, but I could not have asked for better. Though sometimes I did asked God why I was born into this family. Now, as an adult, I'm beginning to understand. There are experiences in my life, both good and bad, that would not have happened and could have directly affected the lives of several different people had I not been born into this particular family. Though the bad were all made by my own choice. I believe our choices shape the course of our lives in both positive and negative ways. Usually, the bad are choices made without the aide of God to help guide us in the right direction.
I believe those who were never brought up into a Godly family are still guided in good ways by God because of his undying love for all of us. Those who are supposedly 'ungodly' can still live Godly lives as long as their morals follow the guidelines. Like it says in the Bible 'Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and the second is like unto it, Love thy neighbor as you would love thyself.' Can't get more simple than that. The third passage that sums it up is this, and even if you are not religious have heard this passage. 'For God so loved the world, he gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, shall not parish, but have eternal life.' All the rest before or after do not begin to some up the message of the bible better than this.
People have a human inclination to make simple things and explanations more complicated than they really are. Why do you think He wrote 'come to Me as a child'. Children follow their parents with faith that they will lead them in the right direction and protect them...this of course is not always the case because we live in a corrupt world, but this was God's idea for humanity. Children are innocent as we are to be when we first start to learn about the character of Christ. We have to think simply and try not over analyze the meaning behind every text or take it literally.
My belief is that the Bible was never meant to be taken literally. It was meant to be a guide for living. A book with examples of lives and situations that show us what to do and what not to do. It was also meant to show us what to expect in the future, but was not meant for over analysis or interpretation. That's why in the bible, the people of God were given Prophets, because the human condition clouded their minds and made it hard to understand God's plan for them. Time and again humanity let God down. And because He loved us so much, he just kept on trying, kept on changing His strategy.
Now people are going to hate me here, specially the bible thumpers. God makes mistakes! Yes, I said it. It is my belief, that God, even in his purity and godliness, makes mistakes. Him, like us, is given the choice, He is given the ultimate choices that shape the lives of every human, creature, and living thing in this entire world, not to mention the universe. I believe it is because of His love for this world that He has allowed Himself to make choices that He normally would not because of his Undying, unwavering love for humanity. We were made in His image, in His Likeness, We ate from the tree of 'Knowledge of Good and Evil'. We are as God, in so many ways, the only difference is we have the capacity to do wrong. God does not. But to make mistakes does not mean to do wrong. His mistakes are not as our mistakes. First mistake, was to allow Lucifer to live...No one seems to realize that God could have wiped out Lucifer and all the fallen Angels, with one word they would have existed no longer. But he allowed them to be thrown out of Heaven. This was done out of His love for His angels. Nothing more can explain it. His second mistake was to allow Adam and Eve to continue living after eating from the forbidden tree. He could have erased them from the Garden and created a new and improved Adam and from him, another Eve. But no, out of love, He allowed them to live...yes with consequence, but they lived. Therefore we lived. Third mistake, Choosing a single people to be his 'Chosen Ones'. These people, the Jews were meant to be the survivors, the people that were to replace the third of the Angels that had fallen with Lucifer. But though He loved them, they failed Him. Throughout history it's been the same, though God has loved us, and watched over us and tried to help guide us, we have continue to fail Him, not only because of the presence of Sin in our lives, but because of our capacity to choose. This power of Choice is what allows us to go against God's plans for us.
I believe it is not until we give up this 'Choice' and truly give our self over to God that we can become pure and be like Him. This of course is the hardest decision to make. I myself struggle with this. I trust God with all my heart, but I cannot deny that I've made choices in my life, many in fact, that have not been Godly or even moral.
In closing. We are the human condition, it is we who get in our way. If we would just give ourselves over to Him and surrender completely, life would not be simpler, but easier to handle for we would know that though others may persecute, punish, ridicule, admonish, or scorn, God is always on our side and is ALWAYS Good to those who love Him.
To be continued. A Special thanks to Jake for your comment. Always appreciated. Thank you! :-)
Sunday, September 16, 2012
In the Beginning
Where to begin?
Always a hard place to start. For one to start at the beginning of my story, I guess you should know a little about me. Though trust me, I won't say all...personal info is personal. I am now 27, born and raised for 14 years in Albuquerque, New Mexico, living in Rio Rancho for 13 years. My father moved us to California in '99 and after finishing high school, moved and went to school in LA for 6 months, then moved to NYC for 11 months, then back to Cali for 12 months, then back to NYC for 4 1/2 years, and now living in Copenhagen, Denmark. Quite a journey...this I know.
So that's me in a nutshell.
You'll get to know me as I publish more and more, but please don't judge me too harshly, I do that enough to myself...and no one and I do mean no one, does that better than me! :-)
So here we go. I'm an interesting person, or I like to think so anyway. Been somewhat of a lonely person. Now I don't mean this that I was a loner...being lonely and being a loner are two very different issues. Having a sense of loneliness means that you have a feeling of being alone in your journey called life, being a loner means that you go out of your way to make sure that no one distracts your in your lonesome journey...see the difference.
Being lonely, I've always had people around me, family, friends, etc. But still had this sense of being alone. The only person or entity I've ever felt a closeness to was God. Now, let me stop here and mention that I'm gay...yes gay, a homosexual, fruit, whatever you wanna call me, I love men, been that way from the young age of 8 years old. So in saying that, I still do believe in God, always have, and always will. Without Him, I'd have ended my life years ago and would not be telling my story to you right now.
I love all my family with all my heart and love my friends as well. But always been self motivated, self preserving, and self assured. Don't get me wrong, I've had support, and love, and been cared for, but been a lonely person, going on my journey with no one but God beside me. And I guess that is okay, but always felt like I was missing someone else in my life to share in my good times and bad. To love me for me, to care for me and let me care for them, instead of it always being one sided. For though I've been mostly about the self, I'm not selfish in most ways. I'm usually thinking of others, how they feel, what is bothering them, if there is anything I can do to comfort or assure them. I've been listener, motivator, giver, lover, caregiver, friend, confidant, always willing to serve my fellow man with no more than a 'thank you' required in return.
This has all been well and good, but again, a sense that something was and is missing haunts me to this day.
In school I had friends, usually started with the girls, then guys as well. But always had a hesitance to making friends with guys for fear of being seen for what I really was...a homosexual. I had an attraction to the same sex from a very young age, but honestly didn't know what I was till the age of 12, this was around the time the internet was starting to really come into it's own. Porn went viral, and all things that were hidden from our youth for so long until their rightful age was accessible quite easily with a few taps of the keys and clicks of the mouse. This is how I learned who I was and what I wanted.
More to come...if feedback is given and encouraged... Thanks
Always a hard place to start. For one to start at the beginning of my story, I guess you should know a little about me. Though trust me, I won't say all...personal info is personal. I am now 27, born and raised for 14 years in Albuquerque, New Mexico, living in Rio Rancho for 13 years. My father moved us to California in '99 and after finishing high school, moved and went to school in LA for 6 months, then moved to NYC for 11 months, then back to Cali for 12 months, then back to NYC for 4 1/2 years, and now living in Copenhagen, Denmark. Quite a journey...this I know.
So that's me in a nutshell.
You'll get to know me as I publish more and more, but please don't judge me too harshly, I do that enough to myself...and no one and I do mean no one, does that better than me! :-)
So here we go. I'm an interesting person, or I like to think so anyway. Been somewhat of a lonely person. Now I don't mean this that I was a loner...being lonely and being a loner are two very different issues. Having a sense of loneliness means that you have a feeling of being alone in your journey called life, being a loner means that you go out of your way to make sure that no one distracts your in your lonesome journey...see the difference.
Being lonely, I've always had people around me, family, friends, etc. But still had this sense of being alone. The only person or entity I've ever felt a closeness to was God. Now, let me stop here and mention that I'm gay...yes gay, a homosexual, fruit, whatever you wanna call me, I love men, been that way from the young age of 8 years old. So in saying that, I still do believe in God, always have, and always will. Without Him, I'd have ended my life years ago and would not be telling my story to you right now.
I love all my family with all my heart and love my friends as well. But always been self motivated, self preserving, and self assured. Don't get me wrong, I've had support, and love, and been cared for, but been a lonely person, going on my journey with no one but God beside me. And I guess that is okay, but always felt like I was missing someone else in my life to share in my good times and bad. To love me for me, to care for me and let me care for them, instead of it always being one sided. For though I've been mostly about the self, I'm not selfish in most ways. I'm usually thinking of others, how they feel, what is bothering them, if there is anything I can do to comfort or assure them. I've been listener, motivator, giver, lover, caregiver, friend, confidant, always willing to serve my fellow man with no more than a 'thank you' required in return.
This has all been well and good, but again, a sense that something was and is missing haunts me to this day.
In school I had friends, usually started with the girls, then guys as well. But always had a hesitance to making friends with guys for fear of being seen for what I really was...a homosexual. I had an attraction to the same sex from a very young age, but honestly didn't know what I was till the age of 12, this was around the time the internet was starting to really come into it's own. Porn went viral, and all things that were hidden from our youth for so long until their rightful age was accessible quite easily with a few taps of the keys and clicks of the mouse. This is how I learned who I was and what I wanted.
More to come...if feedback is given and encouraged... Thanks
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