Sins of My Father

In a recent Comment from my mother, she accused me of being "kind" to my father. Therefore, in this next installment I will be telling my story of my relationship with my father, leaving nothing out that I recall. Then the following will be about my mother. So here we go.

I love my dad, as I love both my parents, but as no one is perfect, my parents were no different.
Now I've seen on television where the father's and sons do stuff together like fishing and going to baseball games, being involved in sports, etc... This was not the kind of relationship I had with my father. Partly because I was not that interested in sports, but also because my father wasn't around. He was always busy working, making money. We still had family worship and family time, but I didn't have much of a personal relationship with my father. It wasn't until it came out that I was gay that my dad tried to "toughen" me up, make me more of a man. He wasn't always kind to my mother either. He never struck me as the romantic type. He did things for their anniversary, or other special events, and he would try to get us kids involved, but though they showed affections, I never thought as their relationship as loving or romantic. I had seen parents of my friends and how they interacted with each other and this was never the sort of relationship my parents shared. They fought a lot, yelled, etc... It was never physical, that I know of, but again I could sense it wasn't normal. It was a struggle for both of them the entire 30 years they were together...

I have good memories with him. I'll never forget the time my dad surprised me at school to have lunch with me. Also the talks we had discussing the bible on our way to church different times while in the car together. Or when he taught me to ride my bike or taught me to drive a car. Things very precious to my heart. He always encouraged me and supported me in my career choices and when I wanted to move to New York, etc. I appreciated his advice as well.

But I'll also never forget how he would hit me on the top of my head when I forgot to do one of my chores; he would use his whole fist and bang it really hard on the top center part of my head. To this day I'm convinced that I have a permanent indentation on my head from those beatings. I also will not forget the chancla, or rubber slipper my dad used to spank us when we were bad. I also didn't appreciate the endless lectures he would give in terms of money and responsibility.  Or the way he told me that if I had a bf or husband that he never wanted to meet him or know him. That he wouldn't come to my wedding or participate in my life. This above all, hurt the most.

It was since that moment that the relationship I shared with my father went downhill. It was never to be the same. When I moved to New York and since then, my father only called or talked with me about money or loans or paying this or buying that. He never apologized, and never took interest in my social life again. He has made some bad decision since then as well. Getting married one month after the divorce to my mother was finalized, not showing up to my little sister's graduation. Separating himself from the rest of us to be with his new wife.

As I've stated before, I still love him and there is nothing I can do to change the fact that He is my father, and I couldn't have asked God for a better one. Though there were times I did ask, but never received.

Both my parents tried their best with what they had to give. I can only thank God for the way I turned out, for I'm sure if it weren't for Him, I would not be here today. Though there were not many horrors in my life as others have endured, I had some pretty rough times and personal struggles that were not helped by neither my father nor my mother, but God was always there, and I thank Him for staying with me through it all.

I try not to regret or despair, or judge or be pessimistic, and it's because of my parents and my experiences and above all God that I continue to be optimistic, all-accepting, positive, and fortunate. All I can say now is that I pray when I become a father that I will not repeat the sins of My father. 

To be continued...