Being Me, Being Gay!

The most common question asked when one is learning about ones homosexuality...When did you first know you were gay?

My first memory of being attracted to the same sex was when I was 8 years old and found my older brother's stash of porn magazines. I can't remember which ones they were, but I do remember them depicting very graphic pictorials of couples engaging in mutual sexual gratification. I remember being attracted more to the men than the women in these magazines. If there were magazines of only women, which my brother had a couple of as well, I didn't care for them. I'd go through them, but I remember thinking how nice their makeup was or how bad it was, lol I kid you not! This was also around the time I learned to masturbate. And after learning, you can imagine I did it often. As often as I could without being found out. And I was always good at being secretive.

Being so young, I of coursed struggled with this seemingly unnatural attraction toward the same sex. Men have always attracted me. Men of all sorts. Not just the model types, but muscle hairy men, muscle smooth men, skinny guys, even overweight guys. I'm eclectic in my preferences. I seem to be this way in all aspects of my life. I don't play favorites with anything or anyone.

Because of my religious background that I've told you about in my last posting, I've always struggle with my sexuality because I didn't want to go against God as they told me I was doing by living this sort of life. I didn't ask to be this way, nor would I wish it upon anyone else. Whoever said being gay was easy should be taken out back and put out of his misery. Being gay is not easy in any way shape or form, but as the slogan has gone as of late *It gets Better.* May not start out good, but in today's society, homosexuals are finally being treated as human beings and not as second class citizens or abominations.

When I was growing up homosexuality was hardly mentioned. And when it was, both my parents were firmly against it. I was forced out when I was 13 years old. This is a mere one year after I first realized what being gay was considered. I knew I was attracted to men, but I didn't know what it was called or that I was this kind of person till I reached 12 years old, or as some have called it, 'the age of understanding'. This was definitely true for me. I came to fully understand what I was and what I was going to be. I started planning what I wanted my life to be life and how I was going to have a family and children, a house, a good job, etc... All this at my young age. Boy was I naive.

When i say forced out, I mean that my mother found the history of porn on the family computer and confronted me about my 'tendencies' as she called them. When my father got home from work, they confronted me together to ask about these 'tendencies'. It was all downhill after that. Endless lectures and readings from the bible. I was given a book to read, which I never read, a movie to watch, which I never watched. Later on, when they confronted me again, I told them I was bisexual to get them off my back, but more than that, even still, I wanted to believe I could be bisexual. Or sexually attracted to the opposite sex. But to no avail. I prayed, I read from the bible, I pleaded with God to change me, to make me into the rightful person He wanted me to be. But it never went away, I never felt an attraction to women.

I appreciate the beauty of women, and the gracefulness, but I never felt a sexual attraction to them. Always loved the clothes as well.

When I was 19 or 20 years old I was 'outed' for being completely gay by my cousin. This was by way of Myspace when it was big. She became one of my friends on there and upon seeing my very homosexual page, expressed her 'concern' to her father, who is my father's brother. They lived up in Oregon. About this time, my parents when up there for a family wedding, and by way of my uncle, learned of my full blown homosexuality. Upon their return, they once again confronted me about what they learned.

It was a painful and tearful discussion. But in the end, we agreed to disagree. I told them that is was now too late. Let me make you understand, that even after I was forced out at 13, they figured they had nipped this in the bud and since I was such a good child, which I was, they had three other children that required more attention due to their own issues. My brother was the black sheep, my older sister and my mom always had issues with each other, and my little sister was the baby. I was so good at taking care of myself, that by default I was neglected. My parents cared of course, and I was given some attention. But I was hardly asked about my grades, because I was always a good student, I never was in trouble at school, and my teachers had nothing but good to say about me. This continued throughout my life, and after a while my parents lost interest and left me to my own devices. This was both good and bad. The good was that it taught me to be an independent person, the bad was the I felt neglected. Not in love, but in attention.  It was not until I became interesting again, by my homosexuality that my parents decided to try and be a part of my life again. I was having none of that.

I told them in no uncertain terms that they were not allowed to influence my life any longer. They were not allowed to be a part of my personal life because they had lost this chance when I was younger. They treated my homosexuality as a passing fancy to be taken lightly and given to God to change in me. But being homosexual was not my choice, I didn't ask to be this way no could I change any more than a leopard can change his spots or a zebra can change his stripes. At the very least I am a human being, with human feelings for the same sex and should be treated with this respect. My parents were not allowed to ask about my social life and I in turn would not ask about theirs. We could talk about the weather, school, work, etc...But all else was off limits.

And so it was till my mother came forward and asked for forgiveness and an understanding to give her a second chance. And I did. My father is another story.

To be continued...

Specially thanks to my Mother for your comments. Love you so much. God could not have sent me a better mother. We all are human with our faults, but nothing can change the fact that you are my mother or that I will love you for all times. :-)